I do hope Angela gets that gluten-free treat. It can be hit and miss sometimes.
Great job in explaining why we should stick to said, cut out unneeded speech tags and adding action tags as needed. The second sample reads much better than the first. I love action tags as they can flesh out the scene and reveal things about the characters.
Here’s my take:
Angela salivated at the delicious pastries, slices and cakes arrayed in the glass display cabinet.
'Do you have gluten free?' She gave a half-smile.
The young sales assistant pursed her lips. 'Gluten-free? Uh....let me find out.'
She disappeared out the back of the shop. Behind her Brad tapped the glass dome of the display cabinet with his knuckles and hummed a tune. Angela shifted her weight from one foot to another. The line grew.
The sales assistant reappeared. She pointed with long nails coated in dark purple nail polish at a small slab hiding at the back of the cabinet. 'We have the orange and almond cake.'
Angela's shoulders slumped. 'I see.'
'Maybe we should go somewhere else,' Brad said.
She looked at the curled, dried edges of the cake and gulped. Not again. 'That's okay. Orange and almond it is.’
That's great Jenny. Thanks for that. Much better than my version. And I can feel Angelina's pain. I'm gluten-free, but am also allergic to oranges, and orange and almond cake is the most common GF. Fortunately Toowoomba has lots of great cafes that carry a better range. Thanks for giving a great example of how to use action and description. Certainly makes it a lot better. Thanks too for responding, replying, commenting ...
I'm allergic to wheat and bananas (and ginger) - so it can be quite a challenge finding something to eat at times. I do like Orange and Almond but as you say it's often the only option and one can definitely have too much of a good thing.
I'm glad you liked my example. I can already see things I could improve lol but it was fun to write :)
Wow, you're the second person I know who can't eat bananas. Does make it difficult. There are some great cafes in Toowoomba that have a good range of GF. You'll have to come up and visit again. And thanks again for such a good example. I need to practise those too.